It was a regular Monday morning, you know? A cup of Starbucks iced caramel Macchiato with extra caramel drizzle, my tie loosely swinging like the tail of a two-tone du-rag, riding back down to Richmond when it hit me. Future is dropping Ape Shit on Thanksgiving, this fuckin’ Thursday, b! Without any notice, I started to feel like Kevin Mccallister in Home Alone when his family came back from leaving him like Brenda did her baby in 91. I know exactly what dish I’m bringing to my mother’s crib this year; a silver lined platter of codeine and cranberry sauce. I haven’t even turned my stove on in the new crib so I hope she doesn’t expect anything more. As soon as it’s my turn to say what I’m thankful for, I’m confessing my appreciation towards Eve for savoring the apple because without that stage in her life, none of us would be here to appreciate this mixtape, dawg. Let’s rejoice.
Let’s touch bases on March Madness. We need to pray that Ape Shit has a song with as much impact as March Madness. This song is the anthem to everyone’s life who just stole their parents car like Ferris Bueller but got it returned right before their Dad picked up the newspaper and entered his home. I haven’t smoked in like four years but this shit makes me feel high. Sometimes at 3 AM when I text everyone’s girlfriend in my iPhone to come thru and get no response, I just started driving, listening to March Madness and I cry. I cry because Future proves he’s just like us by not wanting to engage in sexual transactions but molly made him fuck her even though she average.
On another note, I wasn’t going to cop the iPhone 6s Plus w/ 128 GB in Space Gray like a real nigga but then Steve Jobs showed me who’s king when I was getting out of my money green Bentley (the golf cart I ride around in at work) and my iPhone 6 Plus w/ 128GB in Space Gray like a real nigga, slowly dived headfirst onto the fresh white lines in the parking lot. I know if it would’ve landed on the screen, I would’ve been good, but nahhh, it landed on the corner like a drug dealer, shattering my entire screen. 2Pac once said “You can spend minutes, hours, days, weeks, or even months over-analyzing a situation; trying to put the pieces together, justifying what could've, would've happened... or you can just leave the pieces on the floor and move the fuck on.” Unfortunately I spent minutes, hours, and days over-analyzing how I could’ve exited the Bentley more cautiously and save the life of my iPhone 6 Plus (with 128GB in Space Gray like a real nigga).
It was an awkwardly cold and dreary evening on November 13th when I looked to the higher power and asked him if this means a Jeezy album is dropping today? When Obama was running for presidency, I’m pretty sure he was listening to The Recession but that was before Bryson Tiller made it okay to explain to a girl why you’re better than her man. I didn’t even bother illegally downloading the album, to be honest. It’s not that he’s trash or anything, but the Jeezy I grew up on was totally different. The game transformed and he just didn’t. Maybe I’ll check it out when I can relate more to his music, like when my tank is on E.
Actually nah, b. Adele is breaking my heart, dawg. I went to sleep listening to “Hello” and woke up feeling like I didn’t even want to text today. The fruit infused Wave Water I’ve been drinking makes my emotions more sensitive than usual b, so every time she says “Hello from the other side”, I feel every vein in my heart cry for electrolytes and Advil. I haven’t been this hurt since the scene in Saved By The Bell where Jessie Spano overdosed on caffeine pills and was singing “I’m So Excited”. My man’s Jay Daniel got in my whip (not the money green Bentley, b) and I made him listen to it; with the windows closed, of course, I couldn’t be seen listening to Adele with my dread head friend who’s Snapchat consist of nothing but weed smoking videos and kicks of the day pictures.
But yo, I gotta get back with y'all in a couple of weeks. I told my co-workers I had an important phone meeting and shut my door. All I've been doing is writing this shit and having a phone interview for a new job. Whatever you do, my niggas, drink mad water and stay focused at work; focused on how to never have to come the fuck back.